RANT

Maybe I'm mad. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm hurt. Maybe I'm tired. I know maybe she's trying to protect me. But it's not for her to decide. I've been looking for Al for so many years. She can't just say "I found Al's Facebook" then say "don't worry about it". How am I not suppose to worry. That's all I ever do. I need some sort of explanation. Don't I? The person I called dad for so many years. The one who treated me like a princess. Like his daughter even though I wasn't. How was I suppose to just forget that. I never got a goodbye. I never got an explanation on why my childhood was ripped apart. How nothing felt normal after. He just left me without knowing it would be the last time I ever saw him. For those years he was the only one to take my side while my mom always took Taylor's. Now it's just me against them. Cause when Taylor yells and complains, who's at the bottom of the food chain? Me. I'll never be good enough or pretty enough. So I've come to be the disappointment. Cause I'll never be like Taylor. Nor did I ever want to. I was the slow learner, the girl with all the mistakes, the girl who didn't know when to shut up. I want to know why he left me. Where was he through everything. Where was he when I got in my first fight? When I got my first heartbreak.. When my own sister was calling me names that will never be forgotten. When she told me that she wished I would've killed myself. Where was he?! I have a right to be mad. I have a right to cry and want to know. I've been loosing my mind. And no one. Not even my mother will ever see or understand that.

The dreams

What is the purpose of dreams? Closing our eyes and falling asleep. Having a dream of something that will most likely never happen. In a bubble of a whole different life and experience. I've come to a point where I no longer believe dreams come true. That wishes and 11:11 bullcrap nonsense was just a waste of time. It's for movies and stories not reality. I've began to shake the scenarios that are never gonna happen out of my head. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe people just need to come to realize, that nothing in life will ever be perfect because of all the flaws and obstacles life just loves to throw right in our face that knocks us down to the ground. I'm sick of getting my hopes up on wishes and dreams then being disappointed. I feel this aching pain in my chest when I wake up and realize that for 6 hours I dreamt of an unrealistic fairy tale. The shooting star of a pathetic tale that your wish will come true. Hah yeah no. It doesn't work like that. My wishes and dreams have broken me into a million pieces. But oh well I was use to that.

Awkward Drive

So I'm sitting in the car with Jen and the kids. Have you ever thought about saying something to someone or wanted to make some sort of conversation... Well I've been trying for more than seven years. I feel like I'm choking on the words I want to say. Awkward silence between us flares up while the kids start conversations with both of us. There are words in my head that I wish to say. The words so simple yet so complicated to say. It wasn't always like this. We were actually once friendly. I treated her with attitude for years after and quite frankly, I didn't blame her. I feel like an outsider to their "family" I felt this way for awhile. There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt “ No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ” maybe it's my fault that I had felt so invisible. People constantly telling me to keep trying and to stay positive however no matter how much I've tried it's never been good enough. I wonder how long this will go on. Will I ever speak up? The shocker when the silence is broken.

The Starter

 July 22, 2014

     Hi guys! I'm a total awko taco. Haha so on that note lets get started. My name is Kimberly Anne Garcia. I am sixteen years old. I was born September 1, 1997 in Madera,California. I was named after my aunties and I have my mom's last name. My mom is the main person in my life. We fight a lot... But we also have our days where I can't imagine myself without her. She has spent the last twenty two years taking care of my sister and I. It amazes me how strong and independent she is.  My older sister is Lauren but we call her Taylor. It's funny because the relationship I have with my sister is so strange. We fight like cats and dogs, but don't let that fool you. If anyone other than us were to mess with the other...let's just say it's all bad. Anyways I am not the closest with my dad or his wife. I didn't know my dad till I was around four years old. He has three kids with his Wife Jen. Thing one is Isabel who is seven and is currently at the age where everything begins to change. Not exactly in a good way. Before she was born I would beg and pray for a little sister and finally I got her. She's my wish come true. Thing two is Giselle she is 5. She is wild and I have no idea how she stays so energized but she is a my bucket full of sunshine. Thing three is my baby brother Tuna. His name is Anthony but I like Tuna better. He is three years old and is my everything. Nobody makes me happier than him. At the end of the day no matter how much my siblings drive me crazy nothing could ever stop me from loving them. Well that's my dysfunctional family. My best friends are Elyna, Lycia, Ivan, Darrell, and my four nacas. I am a senior in high school! Which is scary... I am strong headed and independent. I like to have fun and be happy but I'm also serious. I don't know how to describe myself but this is my thought so yeah... Till next time.. Byeeee(: